My Father

By now it is no secret that my father has a sever case of dementia and is losing his memory at a very rapid rate. Some of you know my father and many don’t. Since coping with his illness is the most difficult thing we have had to do, and since I usually express my emotions through writing, let me tell you who Dr. Nasir Behravan is.
To me, he is the symbol of humanity, innocence, caring, and kindness. He talked very little and taught us things through action. When he wanted to teach us help the poor, he helped them with out bragging about it. Only my mother, Vahid, and I knew how much he helped the needy. When he wanted to teach us care about others, have empathy, and sympathize with those in pain, he silently did it himself. I remember the first time I heard him cry. It was behind closed doors of his bedroom, when one of his patients, a very young girl had died from Leukemia. I vividly remember him walking through our garden to gently care for his flowers, plants, and trees. He would get really sad when one of his trees would die and get very happy when a tree would give its first produce. Dr. Nasir Behravan simply cared for every one and every thing from humans to plants to pets. Although he has lost a lot of his memory and almost does not speak a word any more, recently in response to a question from Alaleh about why he likes and cares for plants and children, to my amazement “because they are innocent” he replied. He is like those he cared for: innocent. He grew up in a very poor family and started working from age 6. Money simply had no value for him and he would generously give it all away. This made me angry as a child. I did not understand why. I did not have the toys the children of our other doctor friends had. We did not have a fancy car or a fancy life style like many other doctors of the same generation. I remember him saying “this way, I can sleep at peace at nights.” And he really did. Every morning through our 12 years of education in Iran he would wake us up, make us breakfast, and drive us to school. He would open his office at 7 am, work till 1:30 come home for lunch, take a nap, leave at 3, work till 9-10 pm, come home for dinner, tea, and family talk at end of the night. His memory was fascinating. He could recall every single face that he had seen in his life time, every single name, and every single memory. Now instead of those fascinating stories, I am amazed by the sad reality that he has lost that ability. He would very frequently hand pick flowers from our garden for my mother and every now and then give us the fresh smell of jasmine from his hands that were filled with petals. He would call us to the garden and show us a new flower that had just bloomed with pride. He never raised his voice on me, Vahid, or my mother, and I mean NEVER, absolutely never. I don’t believe in angels, or god, but if there were any angels, I believe my father would have been the closest earthly example to it. As a very well known pediatrician, he dedicated his life to curing ill kids, and now he himself is ill and there is no cure for him. He was famous for curing kids who no other doctor could cure and now he is left alone. My symbol of humanity is perishing right in front of my eyes and it burns every single cell of my body to see him fade like this. This saddens me to no limits and sends me to a world of nostalgia where I would have many conversations with my symbol of humanity, conversations that I can no longer have.

ربنا

I despise religion in any form and find it an unnecessary addition to our lives that one day will vanish through the process of evolution. regardless of my views, the religious song "rabbana" is one of the most touching songs many of us have heard and grew up with. for me it is not a symbol of religion. it is a reminder of my days back home, when simply for fun I would get up in middle of the night and watch my father and grandfather eat their Sahari, midnight meal instead of lunch during the fasting month of Ramadan. it is the reminder of those times that we would occasionally dare to hide a sandwich in our bags and eat it in the lonely corners of my middle school with the constant fear and excitement of getting in trouble. or the rebellion we showed by wearing a short sleeve during the so called "forbidden months." although because of reading several books about religion and witnessing first hand how destructive it can be, specially when it's institutionalized I have come to hate religion, there is still a sense of innocence to this extremely religious song and call for prayers that I can't put to words. Contrary to what many believe, I don't think believing in religion and god is poetic in any way. also, I don't think religion and/or god gives you motivation to live and the power to overcome hardship and unfairness that we witness and experience in every single seconds of our lives, some more than others. all this being said, listening to these songs calms me down. it lowers my stress. but not for a second I think this is due to a higher power. I know and believe that this is because these songs remind me of the better days. and remind me of a better future that I once imagined and still believe can be achieved. it is difficult for me to explain this. like many other things that I have failed to explain through ration and logic, such as peoples blind belief in a protective power that happens to often leave us when we are in desperate need of a helping hand.

Consequences of a Medical Condition

I have a medical condition.

It hits me every now and then, nothing severe, just a flare of extreme abdominal pain mixed with lowered physical strength and huge loss of appetite. I have to sleep for three days to get well and during these three days I cant eat anything but soup and other forms of similar food. It’s called Familial Mediterranean Fever (FMF). It’s caused by a genetic mutation on the MEFV gene. There is no cure for it, just partial prevention along with a relatively strict diet and relaxed lifestyle to prevent any attacks. Basically, the autoimmune system mistakenly attacks its own host, my poor body.

I don’t want to talk about my illness. I rather want to talk about the consequences of my FMF. And not the medical consequences that is. I want to talk about its emotional consequences. You see, I become extremely emotional when I am under attack, my FMF attack that is, meaning severe abdominal pain and lowered body strength. My masculine guards are lowered and I become a total “sissy”. And of course these attacks usually happen when I am already under massive amounts of stress in life. When this happens, I have to stay isolated for 3 days. In these three days, I think. I think deep. I review my life and the life of others. I re-evaluate everything that I have done in recent years. I have understood several facts about myself that I would have not ever discovered or paid attention to if I were in good physical health. One interesting fact is that I get teary eyes when I listen to powerful music and beautiful vocals, Paul Potts, Connie Talbot¸ Bianca Ryan kind of strong voice I am talking about. And this feeling is much stronger when I am locked behind closed doors of some random hotel in some random city in the U.S., which happens quite frequently these days because of my job. It starts by Goosebumps and ends with tears. I have realized my appreciation for basic forms of art, singing and advanced ones, playing a sophisticated musical instrument has significantly increased as I have aged. I have also found out that although I as an adult look and act much tougher from the outside, am internally becoming more emotionally vulnerable as days go by, more in touch with my feminine side as some will put it.

Another important and unfortunate conclusion of my deep thinking while sick is that I no longer stand up for the weak as I used to. Before, meaning several years back I was the voice for the weak, one who stood up for their rights, and one who frequently challenged authority. This was more obvious at work, where an outdated group of old school monarchist Iranians are mixed with young liberal journalists who demand change. This not so good of a cocktail usually makes a poisonous blend, a mix that makes many sick upon drinking. Many times during my first three years I risked my position and challenged the management in public. I raised my voice in meetings and bluntly demanded change and criticized the GS-14 and GS-15 ranked executive producers and managing editors. No longer I do that. This is due to several factors I suppose. One is increased responsibility in life. This increased responsibility has made me very aware of the consequences of my actions and of course very cautious. It is rather selfish. I am putting my comfort and relative luxurious lifestyle above the basic rights of others and more importantly those of the weak. I am no longer inclined to risk my material belongings by standing up for others. I can get fired you know. A thought that never crossed my mind when three years back in front of all the staff I told my manager to shut the hell up, zip it, and not yell at those under his authority since he did not have the right. I also have given up I think. I say to myself that I have done my job. I have done what I was supposed to do. I did what I was thought by my parents. I stood up to demand my rights and the right of others. Now that I am pretty comfortable with where I am, I do not want to get out of it. When I look around, sadly, I see the same pattern. Those who were outspoken “outlaws” at work, those “whistle blowers” are no longer as loud. They have isolated themselves to their little cocoon and keep a very low profile at work. Three years back, they were not married, did not have children, and most importantly, did not have a hefty mortgage. Now they do. Soon I am about to add the very latter item to my list by signing many papers to get the keys to my house, or home I should call it. And later on I will add the other items to the list as well. Does the ownership of materialistic items have a reverse relationship with the amount of risk you would take in life? I guess the answer is quite obvious. Yes! So sad. I think it is this increased responsibility that has detached me from the very basic enjoyments of life. Maybe it’s this detachment that makes my eyes teary over and over every single time I listen to Paul Potts hit Nessun Dorma. So from now on, I have two choices to get rid of this detachment. One is to start singing. And two is to stand up for the right of others, help them out, defend my own rights, risk my position at times, demand change, and criticize the authority no matter high their stupid GS rank is.

And guess what? I can’t sing!

Loss of inhibition

sitting in an isolated hotel in Nashville far from the hectic scene of its down town, I distract myself. Getting close to the deadline of submitting my story about a recent discovery in carbon nano tube isolation at Vanderbilt University in Tennessee, I cant stop thinking about all the emotions that I have chosen to inhibit during the past years. loss of inhibition is a good thing to have at times.
I need to get this out of my mind. I am home sick.
ridiculously home sick. and since I recently became a US citizen I guess I have to redefine the definition of "home". Iran: where most my memories rest. it will be three years soon since the last time I visited. three god damn years. soon I will be visiting one of my best friends in Dubai, the closest I can get to Iran with out the potential possibility or I shall say risk of getting arrested. I am not so sure if I can handle that kind of closeness but yet the inability to take another one hour flight to land in Tehran.

I wrote a piece long time ago about the definition of love.

عشق چیست؟عشق ساده است. عشق در قطره اشکی خلاصه میشود. قطره اشکی که با جدا شدنِ چرخهای هواپیما از زمین، به زمین میریزد.

there is a video clip that I can't stop watching. a group of mentally challenged kids sing a song called Eshgh, love. its a poem by modern persian poet Akhavan Saales.

it says all loves die, they fade, but your love will never die nor it will fade

هر عشقی میمیرد
خاموشی میگیرد
عشق تو نمیمیرد
باور کن بعد از تو دیگری

در قلبم جایت را نمیگیرد

I don't think any poem can explain my current state of mind any better.

Inequality

“You can’t go out at this time of the night” tells Baba to his daughter. No argument. The daughter walks back up to her room and passes her brother who is on his way out to go clubbing with his buddies and 12 girls. "Your brother thinks this is not a good idea and you shouldn’t be allowed to do it" tells Baba to his daughter. "Who are all these boys you talk to and call friends, you should be ashamed of yourself."
"Learn how to drive/park."
"Why are you up so late?"
"You want to live by yourself? You know there is no way we can allow that, right?"
"You want to travel with your friends? Who is going? Where are you guys going? Where are you staying? With who? For how long? Any boys in the crowd? WHAT? How many boys are going with you? WHAT? That’s too many boys, you can’t go. Your brother agrees with me."
"You get the small room, your brother has too many things and he needs to focus."

If that paragraph sounds familiar and unfair, I can guess your gender: a female. Apparently that is a crime. If you think all those lines are normal, you are most probably Baba or the son of that Baba. Or you’re simply just another male chauvinist. Don’t know its meaning? Google it.

I wish to live to see the day that men and women are treated equally. But I believe that my wish would never come true and I would never see that day.

We claim that humans are advanced and civilized and apart from the animal world. But if you look closely, you will find that the very society these advanced humans have built is no different than the animal world. Surprisingly, we become even more primal than them in many cases. At least animals have respect for females and never claim superiority over them. They rather, the male ones of course, fight to win a females attention, respect, and companionship. And the moment they disrespect that one female, another male will take the winning spot. But look at us humans, oh so advanced. What separates these two worlds, the world of humans and animals, is what is happening in the very top part of our body: our brain. Its is this tiny little thing that separates these two huge worlds. It is our power to think, analyze, and use logic. So, humans, let’s think, analyze, and use logic. What has always been known about the animal world is that in their world, physical power is the deciding factor! REALLY? Physical power is the deciding factor in the animal world???? Animal world??? Sounds familiar?? Yes! Indeed. We live in an advanced world where physical power is the deciding factor as well. Such a paradox! I mean I am sure that the size and power of our brain is not the reason that the first paragraph of this writing would make sense to some people. I am positive that many of those who read this and agree with the first paragraph, have less advanced degrees, are socially inept, have read less books, cant play an instrument, and are not as well spoken as many of the female members of their families, but yet they have the balls, yes the balls, to call themselves superior to them. Or at least they think that way. Otherwise why would a male give himself the right to decide for a female and get offended when a female does the same to him? Let’s switch the words Baba with Maman and reverse the son and daughter order. I bet many of you would laugh. If you do so, I can guess what your gender is: a Male. But if you sigh, I can tell that you are simply imagining that for a second. Why is this?

We don’t even think about this absolute inequality and injustice if we are from a gender that sports a Doodool. So that is the deciding factor these days? I thought we are human beings. How in the world one can explain the different treatment Baba gives his sons. Baba sees his sons as wise and hardworking and his daughter as a partier and social butterfly, who does not study as hard, work as much, and spend enough time with family. But if you look closely, all those sons, have more friends on Orkut/Facebook/Myspace/friendster, have had more girlfriends, have or had relatively lower GPAs in school, spend less time with the family, help around the house less, are more arrogant, have higher expenses, but guess what, can lift heavier weights. Oh, and I forgot, they have a Doodool and can grow a beard. Disgusting you might say. Disgusting indeed.

I consider myself a logical person. I approach almost everything with logic and solve all my problems with logic, even if they are very emotional problems. So, me = logic. But logic has failed in explaining this inequality to me. I mean one logic does answer that. But the answer this logic is giving me is in absolute conflict with the very basic element of our advanced society. Remember that element? The distinguishing factor? Yes, correct, brain in human world and physical power in the animal world. You guessed it right, after deeply thinking about this for months, and approaching it with unbiased logic, I have reached a conclusion. I have concluded that we live in a world where the deciding factor(s) for measuring the superiority of a human being in our so called advanced society depends on nothing but physical power, doodool, and beard. Just like animals. Oh shit, animals don’t have beard. We are simply a whole new specie in this unequal world. Now that is one sad conclusion! I am depressed now.

and I shall write again

I wish to live to see the day that men and women are treated equally. Soon I will write. Soon I will write about the equality of men and women.

Path

My mind has been preoccupied with the idea of life and the way it works. Life and death that is. Is there a god? It is said there is one and he is fair. I say he is not. Or his idea of fairness and ours make a 180 degree angle. Let’s examine a less complicated phenomenon than our termination or our beginning. Let’s try to understand the path in between, aging. This path can be long or short, smooth or full of bumps here and there. We have elders who we respect and adore and watch them walk on this path, age, in front of us. And of course they watch us grow behind them on this road between the beginning, birth, and end, death. We choose to follow their steps or take the shoulders some times. But we watch them and learn. The way they walk on this path is important as it will define the way we walk and the way the next generation will walk behind us. Experience is the name of the steps they take and experience is what is conveyed from them to us. The longer they walk on this path, the more we gain from them. Now, sometimes they get stopped in middle of the road too early. They get stopped or slow down before those behind them have gotten to the age to continue on this path by themselves. Let us talk about both scenarios. First, let’s talk about the scenario that they get “terminated” too early. There is a saying in Persian where we say “chera khooban zood mimirand?” or “why do good people die early?” why is that? Well, the answer depends on whether “He” exists. Let’s say He does.
He is supposed to be kind and all the other awesome adjectives we have given him. If so, why he takes away the “khooban” too early? Does he miss them? I thought he is selfless and dose not have any human characteristics that are signs of weakness. Missing a person is a sign of weakness they say. So let us say he does not miss them. He rather wants to test the rest of us. Or maybe he thinks that we, those walking behind, are not worthy of the one he takes away. Well, THAT is unfair I say. Maybe those walking in front of us are sometimes angles that were sent to the human world and their duty of guiding and servicing us, the followers is over and they have to return? Who knows?
Now let’s talk about the other scenario. Let’s talk about the scenario where the one in front of us slows down. Meaning they simply no longer are able to guide us through this path and rather sit on the side and watch us surpass. Again, the answer to the reason behind this unignorable fact is indeed dependent on whether the “almighty” exists. Last time we considered the scenario that he did exist. This time let’s take a look at the contrary.
Let’s talk about physics. Most Physicists that I know are atheists. I remember energy was a big topic in my physic classes so let’s consider energy as a contributing factor. As we know, energy is conserved. And as many believe, each person has a certain amount of energy stored within him or her. All those walking in front of us on this path between the beginning and end, have a certain amount of energy in them. So why do they slow down? Energy is conserved. Does this mean that they have given all their energy to those following and now they have very little left for themselves? Or does it mean that we, the ones behind, have taken too much energy away from them? Either way, they have slowed down and no longer have the power to walk on this path as a guide.
Let me diverge from this analysis. Let me talk about our role at this very moment of lack of energy for those in front of us. They need our help. The help of those they gave energy to. Their termination time has not yet arrived, but on this long path they gave too much energy to their surroundings. They were selfless. They gave it all away not wanting to save anything for themselves. They were selfless. Now it’s our turn to use the energy they gave us to push them forward. But since we now need to learn this path by ourselves, it is going to be a rough road. We should embrace ourselves for it. We are obligated to do so for the responsibility of giving a smooth ride to the “energy giver” is on our shoulders. We have to conserve the energy.
Learning the path by ourselves, right when it is about to get rough and bumpy, is a hard task many of us have to and will experience. They only thing we can hope for is that the ones in front of us who now depend on us, have some energy left in them to pull us up every now and then when we hit the bottom point of the road. Otherwise we will be left alone and nose in the mud in middle of this long path of life without knowing the reason for our existence.
I think my divergence led me to the end of this outpour of words. I think, either way, with His existence or lack of existence, the early termination or slowing down of the ones in front of us on this path of life is an unfair happening that we somehow have to comprehend and accept.